Surrender and Discovery

I love the integrity of this woman. She thinks with clarity and knows Jesus’ love with surety. She says only what she sees, and God has opened her eyes to His gaze of love. Super grateful for her helping others see as she does in our community.

—Andrew Comiskey

“Am I becoming more of myself or am I losing myself?” That’s the question I kept coming back to. I had lived the past 15 years knowing that, as a woman, I was attracted to other women, but now I was trying to live in faithfulness to God’s design. I was beginning the process of surrender and feared a part of who I was would be lost.

When I started following Christ, my sexuality remained walled off from God. It wasn’t so much a conscious decision as a reflection of how little I experienced the love of God and His unending desire for me to be known and loved.

I not only kept my sexuality concealed from God, but from others as well. When I couldn’t tolerate the secrecy anymore, I shared with some coworkers and received their affirmation and support.

That support gave me the courage to start dating women. I was finally living out my desires; I began to experience what I feared I had been missing. So why did I fall asleep at night with an even greater ache in my heart for love and connection? And if the very thing I thought would make me complete wasn’t working, what hope was left? Where else could I turn?

It was then that God brought me to the point of sharing my attraction to women with a couple of people from my church. I wasn’t sure what I was hoping for: part of me wanted help and part of me didn’t want to change.

I faced the question, “Am I becoming more of myself or am I losing myself?” My inner feelings and desires would tell me that I was losing myself. Society would tell me I was losing myself. Though I had never labeled myself as a lesbian or bisexual, I was moving into a place where I wanted to live in obedience to God and let my desires bow to Him. I felt the pain of surrender. I wrote in my journal during this time that I felt like I was on fire or suffocating or drowning. What got me through the difficulty was the love of God shown to me through others.

One of the people I shared with at my church had also experienced same-sex attraction. She was the first person I had ever met in the church who had these attractions and was, by the power of the Holy Spirit, still choosing to live in obedience to Christ. She was further along in her journey and was ready to walk with me on mine. She encouraged me to join Living Waters and, even though I really didn’t want to, I signed up.

I thought the hardest part of Living Waters would be admitting my attraction to women. What was harder? Admitting that just below the surface of that was a legitimate need to be loved. I had always had a hard time believing that God loved me. I’d look around at other believers and think, “Why would God want me or care about me when He has them?” I was viewing people as competition for God’s love. I thought that if I could just get people out of the picture, God might see and love only me. That would be ideal.

But at Living Waters, I got to sit down with women in my small group and talk about areas of my life where I felt shame and fear. And they looked back into my eyes with kindness and compassion, not condemnation. They taught me to see myself the way Christ sees me. And I began to realize that instead of competing with God’s love, people are actually conduits of God’s love towards me. I didn’t need to get people out of the picture so that God could see me. I needed people in the picture so that I could see God.

That first Living Waters was just a taste of what God would continue to do over the years. I’ve still felt an attraction to women, but it has waned significantly. When it does come up, I acknowledge my legitimate need for connection and ask God or others to meet me there. And through serving on a Living Waters team, I’ve learned the power of being in a community where we openly confess sins and admit our temptations.

I ask again: “Am I becoming more of myself or am I losing myself?” In one sense, I became more of myself as I let the Author of Life tell me who I was instead of holding on to the lie that true freedom means getting to define myself. And, in another sense, I did lose myself, but it was the kind of loss that leads to being found.

God calls each of us to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Him. Not only in relation to our sexuality but in every area of our lives He calls us to the narrow way that leads to life. “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 16:25).

Obedience isn’t always easy, but it is always worth it. From this side of my story looking back, I see that the joy of knowing Christ and letting him know me and transform me is worth any sacrifice it took to get there. And the sacrifice hardly even feels like a sacrifice; I simply rejoice at His pursuit of me and the indescribable wonder of being loved by Him (Ephesians 3:17–19).

We are super excited to make Queered Out available to everyone for free starting this July.  Thirteen amazing witnesses enliven eight videos that make clear: Jesus and friends set seekers free from homosexuality and free for full and fruitful lives. Enough about rainbow liberties. Jesus alone unlocks the captive heart.

Stay tuned for Queered Out. And please let others know. He is the way out!

Every day during Pride Month, we will be lifting up parents and any LGBTQ+-identified children. Please email Abbey at afoard@desertstream.org to be included in our daily prayer.