Fighting for Reality

Daniel is like Barnabas to me, a son of encouragement. With humility and wisdom, he helps build communities where all are welcome to bring their gifts. I am grateful for his ‘gift-giving’ to Living Waters for the last twenty years. His witness throughout our upcoming Queered Out series is pure gold.
- Andrew Comiskey

My whole adult life, I’ve had to fight for reality—to know the truth of things and stay true to what is real about myself and others. That would be impossible without Real Jesus. I thank Him continuously because He, through His faithful members, fought for me to know Himself. He is the Source of all reality, and He has loved me into the truth: that is my freedom.

Growing up as a Latino in Chicago, then a border town in Texas, I discovered that home and the world at large were unsafe and unpredictable. Dad left, and my mother struggled with mental illness. In and out of the hospital, she went through periods of significant instability. It seemed like our family was constantly mobilizing for the next crisis. I wanted to ‘save’ and alleviate my mom’s pain but was powerless to do so. The situation seemed hopeless.

Believe me, my mom was and is a fine woman. Today, she is stable and a caring Christian. But the instability of my early life led to my tendency to disassociate, to escape into unreality.

I hated being a boy and took on an effeminate persona; I tried to emulate some exaggerated feminine ideal. That is bad news in macho Latino culture. My confusion (and resulting rejection) bred depression. Increasingly, I thought I’d be better off dead than alive. I shared some of my sexual struggles with a high school counselor. He advised me to embrace a ‘gay’ identity on the grounds that my life would improve. So I did. My life as a freshman got worse. I didn’t want to live anymore.

I had a Christian neighbor who discerned a spirit of death around me and my household. She prayed hard, then invited me to the youth group at her church. There, for the first time, I was surrounded by loving and prayerful members of Christ. I didn’t surrender to Jesus, but I received the reality that my life was worth living. Real Jesus was fighting for my life.

My sexual unreality worsened. In my late teens, I began to compete in drag pageants and found favor with men. I feasted on the ‘freedom’ to do whatever I wanted until I discerned a greater spirit of death. My drag peers were dying of HIV, drugs, suicide, and even murder.

My neighbor prayed harder and mobilized other intercessors to pray for me. One night I accepted another invitation to attend her church. This time, I was ready to follow Jesus. I surrendered fully to His death and experienced the power of His Risen life. I resolved to walk with Jesus and His Church and to no longer identify as ‘gay’ and ‘trans.’ I put a stake in the ground and decided that the fabricated, alluring self that I sought comfort in was an unreality that I could renounce. I did, and I didn’t look back.

I moved from Texas to Kansas City and discovered Living Waters. Over the next twenty years, that community became my family, where I learned two key ‘words’: ‘I am a good gift as a man’ and ‘I am not crazy.’ I’ve hidden these words in my heart and have often called them to mind. I possess a sound mind and can stay true to reality. My identity is rooted in Reality Himself, Who has redeemed a whole-enough man. I love living as a son of our Heavenly Father.

Admittedly, I face and endure storms of emotional duress where familiar clouds of despair seek to steal the joy and clarity that God has given me. It is in these seasons of my life that I say ‘yes’ to various forms of support and care.

Living Waters taught me to be self-aware and to reach out for help when something seems off. That includes the psychological community. However, in receiving care, I must often teach them about reality! I was getting help from a psychologist. As I shared my sexual and spiritual history, he rather skeptically asked me if I had ever gone through ‘conversion’ therapy. I was able to boldly declare the truth of Jesus and how He always helps me to live in the reality of my true sexual identity. Case closed. The love, mercy, and grace of God trumps confused clinicians.

I am currently a student at Avila University in Kansas City, where I love to share about Jesus and the reality He always brings. I spoke with an educator there about why we need to exercise civil discourse: the freedom to understand different perspectives and to disagree with them. She asked me: ‘How do you respond when one says, “I have my truth and you have yours?”’

I shared about my making peace with being a man. Feeling like a woman didn’t make me a woman. Something isn’t true just because I want it to be. Reality is rooted in God and His creation. She resonated with what I shared; it reconfirmed her call to discern reality and not fall prey to what is unreal or out of line with the will of Jesus.

Staying in reality takes a village. I’m happy to keep growing in the healing community of Living Waters and the Church. I’ve learned to listen and to build meaningful relationships with others. One thing remains true: I know the God who fought for me when I didn’t have the ability to fight. He has trained me well. I want to be remembered as a faithful, tender-hearted warrior who fought the good fight and stayed in reality.

We are super excited to make Queered Out available to everyone for free starting this July. Thirteen amazing witnesses enliven eight videos that make clear: Jesus and friends set seekers free from homosexuality and free for full and fruitful lives. Enough about rainbow liberties. Jesus alone unlocks the captive heart.

Stay tuned for Queered Out. And please let others know. He is the way out!

Every day during Pride Month, we will be lifting up parents and any LGBTQ+-identified children. Please email Abbey at afoard@desertstream.org to be included in our daily prayer.