Change the Change Claim

‘For man, woman is first an object of awe and wonder.’

(St. John Paul II)

Can a ‘homosexual’ change? Not the first or best question. The better question: how can a person not be true to his or her origins? The ‘gay’ self is not true enough.

My wife never ceases to fascinate me. Yesterday I marveled at her three attempts to bake hot dogs in cornmeal at the right temperature to create ‘corn dogs’ for the grandkids, a novel treat they might eat in full at an upcoming birthday party.

‘Nailed it!’ she exclaimed. That she does, over and over in her inexplicable fusion of tenacity, domestic smarts, and creativity. No one delights me more than Annette Comiskey. I chose well. Not a hardship to value her more as our years of marriage reach 46 this month.

To what do I attribute this seasoned bond? The beauty of a whole-enough woman. I was made for her, she me. A deep-seated struggle with same-sex desire could not compare to how compelling this woman became to me, far deeper than any other feelings. You could say she roused me from a developmental slumber. Then I had work to do: secure her in love, become worthy of her! Still fighting for that…

The Church, and St. John Paul II in particular, masterfully point us back to our origins as we consider relational self-definitions and future paths. ‘God makes us capable of mutual love, of a liking for one another. In man’s eyes, the woman is a special synthesis of the beauty of all creation, and he, too, similarly, in her eyes…This love lets them interact with one another and rejoice in the gift of each other in all simplicity and innocence’ (The Gift of Givenness).

I needed simple innocence when I came upon Alan Chambers’ mugshot the other day. Chambers dissolved Exodus International in 2013 on the grounds that no one changes from ‘gay’ to ‘straight’ (his language, not mine.) Last month, he fulfilled his own dismal prophecy by wooing a 14-year-old male (in truth, an undercover cop) online with naked photos.

As I had a hand in raising Restored Hope Network out of Exodus’ ashes, I offer my suggestions.

Clear Definitions

No one in truth is ‘gay’ or ‘map’ (minor-attracted person) or ‘bi’ or ‘polyamorous’ or what-the-hell-ever. Each of us is defined by the Creator—our origins—and by our Redeemer’s vision for our best future. I am a man made for woman, and you woman, for man. I can’t shake my origins, but I can surely dodge them.

In between the moral wilderness and responsible lovemaking lies a lot of uneven trail. And breathtaking vistas. Wild beasts and weather. Walking partners who ignite and refine and train you in righteousness.

The old Exodus boast that God changes ‘gays’ into something else may be part of the problem. God changes everyone. We just have to want to change. And to be crystal clear about the path and self-definitions rooted in the purpose of our sexuality. That is where Alan fell into quicksand. He projected his own conflicted feelings onto a global organization and sunk it. We can do better. We must.

Conviction

The overwhelming grace of God invites every man and woman into greater chastity, the ordering and disciplining of desire. He constantly searches out the sinner who laments his or her disordered mess.

Repentance unto Divine Mercy is the only way forward. There simply is no other. For anyone. Same-sex stuff, however deep, may be a more obvious starting point than the opposite-sex disorders we tolerate. In that way, ‘gay’ stuff goads us all to repent. All sins against chastity, against ordered desire, require a falling forward before the Crucified.

The Creator guides His creatures in a direction, a pathway on which we can become who He made us to be. He inspires longing from our depths for real beauty in accord with our origins. This authentic longing for beauty has not been lost to sin. It just needs to be redeemed and retrieved.

To be sure, this requires conviction, awakening from the idolatry we are steeped in. Our culture high-fives sexual delusions. Deeper still are our origins that inspire discontent with anything less than truth and beauty, the wholeness of man and woman for each other.

Chambers mused to me once that God wants us to be holy more than whole. I argued then, and I do now, that the two cannot be separated. In turning from what is less, we must align with the ‘more.’ Christ-likeness always has a corollary in our identities as male or female; we must work that duality out responsibly with the other. An abstract commitment to holiness may be a bluff for feelings we nurture that lead to corruption.

Ah, feelings! We all have them, emotional and affectional longings that ebb and flow with a host of influences. We can understand them and master them, directing ourselves to secure others in love. We may experience frustration, even failure. Yet chastity is a trajectory on which we can always get up and re-find our footing en route to truthful beauty. In spite of deprivation and the threat of degradation, we can always take ground in who we will be for each other as man and woman.

Aspiration

Whether one’s starting point is lustful opposite or same-sex desire, growth in chastity involves will. What do we want? We repent to God, then we choose whether or not we will line up with His goodwill and purpose for our sexuality, which means becoming a mature expression of the man or woman we are.

Yes, it is all grace, and yes, it takes every bit of human effort I can muster. No contradiction there. I marvel at those stuck on a ‘gay’ celibate plateau who say dumb things like ‘God could heal me if He wants to’, as if maturing is a purely passive enterprise that requires the random miracle, one we skeptics are not seeking. The miracle is grace that liberates our daily decisions.

We can distinguish natural from supernatural sources of healing. And we should seek and embrace them both. Talk therapy and healthy friends who nourish malnourished souls impart healing as much as the Word given in the power of the Holy Spirit that breaks darkness and unites inner divides. I’ve become more chaste by such healing words and acts; these minor miracles spurred me on to offer myself more wholly to others.

Healing requires consistent clarity of vision, especially amid temptation. I remind myself that I am much more than an unexpected flurry of disturbing desires. The fact that we face retro desires that seek to lure us back into old hellholes shouldn’t shock us; it should reassure us. I am happily disturbed by my old idols and am spurred on to the prize: Jesus and the dance of Life—re-asserting my manhood in a way that helps secure women in their gift, beginning with my wife.

Real Community

For this, I need help. Real chastity is never a solo adventure. It requires people who know our histories and our aspirations and hold us to them. Chambers folded into a bad bunch: ‘gay’ Christians and activist journalists and former Exodus-ites who chose to become actively ‘gay’ then framed their former helpers as abusers, themselves as hapless ‘victims.’ Enough already.

We need people who are in Reality, who know our strengths and weaknesses, so they can help us train in righteousness. Be careful of the company you keep as you aspire to authentic chastity. And if you are a Christian leader, be warned: God will hold you responsible for the ‘grace’ you give ‘gay’ influencers in your midst who will create communal spaces in your church that seduce the vulnerable.

Justice

My grief is not so much for Chambers himself but for his wife and two children. Unchastity is never private. Whether it makes the headlines or not, broken boundaries break the people we love most. I cannot imagine the Chambers’ agony. Alan’s sin pierced his wife as no other sin can. Justice—giving another his or her due—applies pointedly to marriage. The wrong we do with our bodies seriously wrongs the body, soul, and spirit of the one to whom we committed our whole self for a lifetime.

Doubtless, Chamber’s scandal will fuel debate on whether or not the ‘homosexual’ can change. That is not the question. Will we carry our little crosses in light of the Cross that opened for us the truth of our most authentic selves? That is the question.

I conclude with St. John Paul II’s rather marvelous assertion of how Jesus would answer Cain’s question—‘Am I my brother’s keeper?’ (Gen. 4:9): ‘Yes, you are a guardian, you are the guardian of holiness, guardian of dignity in every woman and in every man. You are the keeper of the holiness of her body. It is to remain ever an object of your respect. Then you can rejoice in the beauty with which God has endowed her from the beginning and she will rejoice in you. She will then feel safe under her brother’s gaze and will rejoice in the gift that her motherhood was created to be.’ (The Gift of Givenness)

We are super excited to make Queered Out available to everyone for free starting this July.  Thirteen amazing witnesses enliven eight videos that make clear: Jesus and friends set seekers free from homosexuality and free for full and fruitful lives. Enough about rainbow liberties. Jesus alone unlocks the captive heart.

Stay tuned for Queered Out. And please let others know. He is the way out!

Every day during Pride Month, we will be lifting up parents and any LGBTQ+-identified children. Please email Abbey at afoard@desertstream.org to be included in our daily prayer.